How to shift your mindset after a workplace setback
Elizabeth was called into her boss’s office and told, without warning, that her contract would not be renewed. Her boss offered to write a strong reference letter and asked if she had any questions. Overwhelmed, Elizabeth simply expressed disappointment and left. Later, a flood of emotions took over—hurt, indignation, confusion, bitterness. The more she replayed the interaction, the worse it felt. Her thoughts spun into a story about what happened, why it happened, and what it meant about her worth. Soon, that narrative seeped into other areas of her work and life, fueling resentment and clouding her focus.
Stories Versus Facts
After a setback, our minds naturally build stories to make sense of events. However, in doing so, we may obscure the facts and miss important opportunities. Often, there’s critical information we lack—why a decision was made, whether it’s truly final, or what options remain available. To uncover this information and move forward productively, we must pause and intentionally shift our mindset.
Retreat Within the Situation
Social psychologist Robert Cialdini offers an insightful perspective: “Retreat from a situation, you lose. Retreat within a situation, you win.” Our instinct after receiving painful news is often to distance ourselves emotionally and physically. Yet sometimes the most constructive approach is to stay in the situation longer—not to argue or defend, but to listen, ask questions, and understand. This internal “retreat” gives us space to reset and re-engage with openness.
Imagine if Elizabeth had paused, gathered her thoughts, and returned to her boss to ask purposeful questions: What led to this outcome? Were there warning signs she missed? Is the reference letter part of broader support available? Could another role fit her skills better, or are there transitional resources available? While a conversation like this might not reverse the outcome, it could positively influence her future path.
Curiosity as a Path Forward
Allowing emotions to dominate distorts our perception of what happened and limits what’s possible. Approaching the situation with curiosity—even while still feeling hurt—helps us gather valuable information. We might learn how others perceive us, better understand organizational priorities, or identify gaps in performance or alignment. Even difficult feedback can help us recalibrate and build a stronger foundation for future success.
Curiosity also preserves relationships. Leaving a difficult situation in bitterness cuts off future opportunities for support or collaboration. Exiting gracefully—with genuine engagement—protects our professional reputation and may reveal unexpected allies.
Try This: Pause, Reflect, Engage
The next time you experience unexpected bad news at work, practice this simple three-step approach:
Pause.
Don’t respond immediately. Instead, give yourself space—a few deep breaths, an hour, or even a day—to allow your initial emotions to settle. Strong reactions rarely lead to clear thinking.Reflect.
Briefly write down the facts of what happened, without interpretation or judgment. Then write separately about the story your mind is creating—your assumptions, emotions, and imagined motivations. Noticing the gap between facts and feelings will help clarify what additional information you might need.Engage with Curiosity.
If appropriate, re-approach the situation or conversation, this time prepared with clear, curiosity-driven questions. Aim to learn rather than blame. Then use any new insights you gain to shape practical next steps—such as improving skills, seeking new opportunities, or negotiating support for your transition.
By deliberately shifting from resentment to curiosity, you’ll become better equipped to transform professional setbacks into meaningful growth and lasting resilience.